


revival & despair

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Episode: s15e18 Despair, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27422377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: Castiel looks at him like he knows exactly what Dean is thinking and - he probably does. It makes Dean’s chest ache with grief he hasn’t felt yet.“You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless loving human being I will ever know. You know ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell... knowing you has changed me.”Dean wants to tell Cas how much knowing him has changed Dean. He wants to tell Castiel that he’s given Dean a purpose for all these years, someone to fight to come home to. He wants to tell him that he’s a better person for knowing Cas, for loving him, even though he was always too scared to say it.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 125
Collections: Destiel is Canon - 15x18 Codas, SPN Finale "Destiel is CANON" Collection





	revival & despair

**Author's Note:**

> guess who's back, back again... 
> 
> fandom is uh, really wilding saying that deancas going canon was somehow unrequited, huh? it's like they've never seen Supernatural or something... weird. anyways, here's what Dean was thinking.

Castiel sighs, turning to look at Dean.

“The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned, and - it would take me forever.”

Dean resists the urge to physically react, stunned both by Cas’ admission and how much it feels like a gut punch.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

He barely hears Billie banging on the door over the rush of blood in his ears.

Castiel is smiling at him the same way he did that morning in purgatory before they left. That same sad but resolute smile, and it makes Dean’s stomach turn.

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered -“ Cas takes a sharp breath, more than just tearing up now. “What it could be, what my true happiness could even look like.”

Dean’s heart drops into his chest, feeling his own eyes well up with tears.

“I never found an answer because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”

Dean’s breath catches in his throat and he feels his hands start shaking, his heart beating impossibly fast.

Castiel gives him that same smile again, and Dean wants to throw up.

“But I think I know now, happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in the being. It’s in just saying it.”

Dean wants to laugh at the absurdity of this all. Now? Right now, right before he’s going to do what Dean thinks he’s going to do? Now he can say it?

He breathes in and it’s sharper than he wanted. He’s trying to stay calm, to listen, because he doesn’t want to miss a word Castiel is saying.

“What are you talking about man?”

“I know how you see yourself, Dean.”

Dean almost flinches, but catches himself. The roaring in his ears is back and he suddenly can’t breathe.

Castiel keeps talking, and Dean can tell it’s taking all of his self control not to reach out and grab Dean.

“You see yourself the same way our enemies sees you. You’re destructive, you’re angry and you’re broken and you’re Daddy’s blunt instrument.”

His stomach lurches at the thought of that, at the thought of his father and someone... not thinking that.

“You think that hate and anger, that’s what drives you, that’s what you are.” Castiel smiles at him, his eyes staring into Dean’s soul, “It’s not.”

Dean feels like he got the wind knocked out of him.

Castiel flexes his hands absently, looking for something to grab, to hold onto in this moment.

“And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.”

Dean bites back a bitter, angry laugh. He can’t help but see all the people who’ve died for him, by him and because of him.

Castiel breathes in again, trying to control his crying. He needs Dean to know this. “You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love, that is who you are.”

It takes everything Dean has in him to not tell Cas to shut the fuck up. He doesn’t deserve that, he doesn’t want to hear that - especially when he thinks that this is going somewhere different.

Castiel looks at him like he knows exactly what Dean is thinking and - he probably does. It makes Dean’s chest ache with grief he hasn’t felt yet.

“You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless loving human being I will ever know. You know ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell... knowing you has changed me.”

Dean wants to tell Cas how much knowing him has changed Dean. He wants to tell Castiel that he’s given Dean a purpose for all these years, someone to fight to come home to. He wants to tell him that he’s a better person for knowing Cas, for loving him, even though he was always too scared to say it.

He takes a sharp breath, fighting his brain to get those words - any words - to come out of his mouth.

Castiel is crying more now, and Dean wants nothing more than to wipe those tears away.

“Because you cared, I cared.”

Dean nods absently, his brain still trying to process everything.

Castiel looks a little frantic, the outside noises getting louder. “I cared about you...” The way he looks at Dean when he says it makes his heart skip a beat. “And I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack - I cared about the whole world because of you.”

He wants to tell Cas that he had nothing to do with that. He wants to tell him that he’s never met anyone or anything who has so much heart, who cares so deeply, and that he was always that way. It’s one of the things that made Dean fall in love with him.

Instead, he just stares back at Castiel, hoping he knows everything that’s going on in Dean’s head.

Castiel smiles again, and Dean feels like he’s been gutted.

“You changed me Dean.”

Dean swallows, trying to compose himself, “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Castiel let’s out a breath, sounding as broken as Dean feels. “Because it is.”

He doesn’t have to be an Angel to know what Cas is thinking. He shakes his head, unable to stop himself.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Dean had always figured that it would be him doing the stupid thing and sacrificing himself to save Cas. He rarely let himself think about it, about saying those words to Cas, but when he did, it was always him. It was always Dean finding the courage in the last moments before the end. It was always him choking out ‘I love you.’ It was always supposed to be him.

The way he says it knocks Dean on his ass.

“I love you.”

He says it like it’s so easy, like it’s the thousandth time he’s said it. He says it like it’s something they say. Like it’s something they acknowledge, like they’re two normal people who get to have that, who get to be happy.

Dean chokes back something, he’s not sure if it’s a sob or a laugh. A laugh that his life is like this, and that he had the nerve to maybe hope for something else.

“Don’t do this, Cas.”

Don’t leave me. Don’t tell me that. I don’t deserve that. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be better.

He turns to look as the portal opens behind him, and he’s filled with the overwhelming urge to grab Cas.

Billie kicks the door open and Dean feels like he’s watching this all happen from a million miles away.

“Cas-“

Castiel smiles, content with his realization. Knowing that Dean will be safe.

He puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder, right where he’d pulled him out of hell all those years ago.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

The shove brings Dean back down to earth, and he feels helpless as he watches Cas smile one more time. A final goodbye.

The Empty swallows Cas and Billie whole, and Dean can’t do anything except hold his breath.

When the portal closes it takes a minute for the energy in the air to settle again. The reality of what just happened starts to creep up on Dean. His hands are shaking, his chest is tight and it feels like the walls are closing in on him.

Before he can spiral too far, his phone rings. He watches Sam’s name flash on the screen.

He ignores the call just as every wall he’s ever put up finally gives out. He tries to take one breath and it turns into a sob, the emotions overtaking him.

Cas is gone.

**Author's Note:**

> stay safe, wear a mask, see you all in the civil war. <3
> 
> oh, I'm still deansmom on tumblr lol


End file.
